Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Wandering Monsters

Sung to the tune of "Interjections", from the old School House Rock songs, and inspired by this thread over at Rather Gamey. Those of you who don't remember the song, or didn't grow up in the U.S. in the 1970's and 1980's, might want to listen to the original song at the bottom of the post first.

----------

Wandering Monsters
by Joseph Bloch
(To the tune of "Interjections" by Lynn Ahrens)

The party wouldn't leave level two, uh-huh-huh
The DM knew just what to do-hoo
What came down the hall were
Some carrion crawlers
When the dice said there would be a wand’ring monster…

Hey! They’re tough!
Damn! I’m hit!
Jeeze! It’s not fair sending 6th level monsters at us up here!

Wand’ring monsters (Hey!) mix the game up (Damn!) keep it moving (Jeeze!)
They’re generally monsters that don’t fit into the regular dungeon key
Or nearby monsters when the dungeon is too small…

A ranger beat a ghoul in the woods, uh-huh-huh
His friends were fighting over grave go-ods
The raucous commotion
Put ghasts into motion
When the dice said there would be a wand’ring monster…

Ack! There’s more of them!
Wait! They seem to have more hit dice than before.
Ugh! What’s that smell?

Wand’ring monsters (Ack!) mix the game up (Wait!) keep it moving (Ugh!)
They’re generally monsters that don’t fit into the regular dungeon key
Or nearby monsters when the dungeon is too small…

So when the game’s lagging (Damn!) or slow (Jeeze!)
You’re squabbling (Ack!) or loud (Ugh!)
Fate says (Aw!) or whim (Frack!)
A wand’ring monster’s sure to start a fight!

The troupe came to the end of the quest, uh-huh-huh
The lich found he was second be-est
The magical fighting
Drew demons like lightning
When the dice said there would be a wand’ring monster…

Aw! We cleared out that room already!
Frack! Anyone have any healing potions?
Lookout! That one has an ebon skull-tipped wand!

Wand’ring monsters (Aw!) mix the game up (Frack!) keep it moving (Lookout!)
They’re generally monsters that don’t fit into the regular dungeon key
Or nearby monsters when the dungeon is too small…

So when the game’s lagging (Damn!) or slow (Jeeze!)
You’re squabbling (Ack!) or loud (Ugh!)
Fate says (Aw!) or whim (Frack!)
A wand’ring monster’s sure to start a fight!

Wand’ring monsters (Damn!) mix the game up (Damn!) keep it moving (Damn!)
They’re generally monsters that don’t fit into the regular dungeon key
Or nearby monsters when the dungeon is too small…

Wand’ring monsters mix the game up keep it moving
Tee Pee Kay now, Tee Pee Kay now, Tee Pee Kaaaaaaaaaaay… YEA!

Darn! I’m at zero h.p.

----------

The original:


5 comments:

James said...

Now do "I'm Just a Bill." :)

Risus Monkey said...

Wow! Hey! Eek!

That's pretty darn awesome. I love how you incorporated the player whining. :)

Joseph said...

Heh thanks. I'm leaving "Dungeon, Dungeon, what's your function?" for you, though. Although I did come up with a refrain:

Dungeon, dungeon, what's your function?
Chewing up players and henchmen and hirelings.

Arkhein said...

Damn Joseph - that is just great! It is now firmly entrenched in my gray matter. And I love how you even made it educational!

The educational part would have just whizzed right over my head if I would have tried it.

Well done!

- Ark

Bard said...

I'm going to be singing this all day. :)